Inventing Memory

Sometimes a book catches my eye and a small whisper urges me to read it. That happened yesterday as I helped sort books for the annual Used Book Sale at our library. The author’s name, Erica Jong, caught my eye first and triggered memories of reading FEAR OF FLYING caught my eye first, sparking a memory of reading that ground-breaking volume a few years after it was first published in 1973. Set in much smaller type, the title, INVENTING MEMORY: A Novel of Mothers & Daughters, furthered my interest. Perhaps it will have some Truth about memory and memoir, I thought, setting it  aside to take home.

I’m not quite halfway through the volume, and have mixed feelings about it several aspects of the book. But even so, I’m enchanted with the abundance of dazzling descriptions, and I have found many truths about memory and memoir. I’ll share a few here and leave you to savor them and suck out whatever meaning they may have for you.

    “It’s queer enough just to write books—to separate yourself from the whole world so as to re-create the world in paper and ink,” I declare.

    “I don’t know why anyone would do it,” says Mrs. Coppley. “Do you?”

    “Because it gives you back your life, calms your soul, bestows the ecstasy of understanding. And you hope it does the same for your readers.”

    *****

... his memories break down into set pieces, and he seems to tell the same story again and again. ... It is as if he made it all up long ago, locked it in his brain, and never revised it. He needs to repeat it again and again simply to prove he is still alive.

    “Promise you will write my story,” he says.

    And I promise. But how can we ever write another’s story?What we write is always some version of our own story, using other characters to illustrate the parables of our lives. I make furious notes, to please him and because I hope I may someday know  what to do with them.

*****

    The difference between writing a notebook and a novel: With a novel, you describe people; with a notebook, you assume that the reader—yourself?—already knows.

*****

    ... the book is spilling out almost as if by dictation from a secret source. I have no idea if it’s any good or not. I only know that I can’t stop.

While I’m wouldn’t give the book more than three stars for general readers, I’m glad I listened to that faint whisper and brought it home. The stunning descriptions and gems of wisdom like these are worth digging for and adding to my ever-growing collection.

Write now: use one of the quotes above as a writing practice prompt and see what thoughts about writing flow from your inner resources.

Story — With a Big S

I’ve nibbled on Christina Baldwin’s Storycatcher on several occasions. This book is like a pot of cream soup — flavorful, rich and nourishing, and hard to quantify. But I finally “get it.” When I began reading, I was wearing my author hat, looking for yet more tips on how to write stories or memoir. This book is larger than that. It isn’t a book about writing. This book is about Story, not stories.

The concept of Story transcends events that fill stories. Story is life itself. It’s the lens we use to define the essence of who we are. We all have a Story, though few of us are aware of what this may be. It’s our measuring stick, our comfort zone, our boundaries and guidelines. It’s the sum total of our experience, beliefs and values.

I stand in awe of Story. It’s there are surely as the air I breath, but like the fish in the ocean, because it’s just there, I never noticed.

Grasping the significance of Story is like finding the jigsaw puzzle box cover and glimpsing the potential of the pile of pieces to turn into a coherent picture. Using this metaphor, the short stories we write about experiences are parts of the big Story of Self. A sense of Story pulls our “little s” stories into alignment and sharpens their focus while also connecting them together.

Each chapter of Christina’s book describes a different facet of Story. She concludes each one with a related writing prompt, then urges readers to “Tell me that story.” Like soup, Story has no boundaries or form. It can start anywhere and fills the chosen container. It can be told, tailored to the time available, written or filmed. It can be shared, or appreciated in isolation.

The Story Soup of You has many ingredients including events, experiences, encounters, characters, conflict, triumph and failure, emotions, reflections, beliefs, opinions and values among many others. Should you undertake to pour your story out onto the page, it will likely oscillate between two forms: stories focused on events and experiences, and essays focused on beliefs, opinions and values. Both forms are essential. Stories pertain to action, essays to reflection. The two forms are the warp and woof of the fabric of Story and life.

Write now: look beyond the page. Imagine yourself high on a ledge looking down on this person below who happens to look like you and bear your name. Observe that person and tell that person’s story. What does she believe? What gets him going in the morning and keeps him going through the day? What stories does she tell herself to keep her doing what she does, day in, day out? How does he feel about what he does? What makes her different from her neighbors? Tell me that story!

Mention Your Journal in Your Will

>After learning that I teach and write about journaling, a woman I recently met asked me a heart-wrenching question. She told me that her adult daughter died last year and left instructions with her significant other that she did not want her mother to read her journals. Then she asked, “Should I read them?” 

My reflexive answer was simple: “No! I wouldn’t if I were you.” We discussed the matter briefly, and I could sense her disappointment with my answer. Clearly she’d hoped for permission to cling to that forbidden fragment of her beloved daughter, to know her as fully as possible under the circumstances. But I stand by my answer for the following reasons:

• Her daughter asked that they not be shared with Mom. This a chance for Mom to honor her daughter’s wishes and memory in this last way.

• Journals are a place to write with brutal honesty about our own shortcomings and uncertainties. They are a place to try on ideas the way we try on clothing in a store. Just for fun I often try on outfits I know will look ridiculous, or I discover others I really like don’t fit well. Most of what I try on goes back on the return rack. I try out ideas the same way in my journal. So there may be things in the daughter’s journals that were temporary thoughts, soon discarded without further consideration or note, but they linger in those pages, waiting to mislead potential readers.

• Journals are a safe place to ventilate frustration and anger about parents and other loved ones. Once it’s on paper, it often dissipates and disappears without a trace, even if no solutions are found, but those smoldering embers remain, waiting to scorch or sear more hearts.

• Young people often try on behaviors the same way they try on ideas. Journals are a safe place to confess to behavior that others may condemn, to analyze and work through trials and tribulations. If others know of these events, even long after the fact, relationships that could otherwise thrive may be irreparably harmed.

The fact that Daughter specifically said she didn’t want Mom reading her journals signals that she knew they contained volatile material, and she was trying to protect both Mom’s serenity and Mom’s memory of her. To me that seems like an act of love. There is no opportunity to clear up misunderstandings with a dead person. 

Some people choose to write journals intended to be a written legacy for grandchildren and the future That’s a noble thing to do. If you are one of these people, you know how much you want to disclose and where to set your boundaries as you write. If you write with pens of fire, take measures to protect your words. 

In either case, whether you write Top Secret journals or open book ones, it’s prudent to state in your will what’s to become of them. This will avoid family squabbles and confusion about who is to receive the public ones, and ensure your wishes are followed if they are to be destroyed. Especially if you want them to be destroyed, be sure to pick a person you can trust to carry out your intention. 

Write now: a short explanation explaining your thoughts and intentions on the future of your journals. Do you want them to be read or destroyed? If you died tomorrow, who would you want them to pass on to? Or who would you trust to destroy them unread? Type this up and date and sign it and have a couple of friends or relatives sign as witnesses. Then place it with your will.

Writing Your Way Out of the Dungeon of Despair

I shiver with cold dread at the sight of this picture. I took it myself four years ago, inside O’Brien’s Tower near the tip of the Cliffs of Moher in western Ireland. This day, our first full one on the Emerald Isle, was suitably dreary and gray, utterly mystical. Along with a sizable contingent from the much larger crowd of visitors staying within the official viewing area, we dared the “Beware of Bull” and “No Trespassing” signs to walk the mile or so out to the tip.

Since we had no guide, I could only speculate that the tower had been used as a dungeon. I felt trapped, claustrophobic and helpless in those confining walls, even knowing I could turn around and leave whenever I wanted. I felt frozen in place.

Recently a fellow writing group member mentioned that she was feeling stuck with her memoir project, and this picture came to mind. When she saw it, she immediately replied, “Yes! That’s it! That’s just how I feel — surrounded by dark stone walls on every side.”

Nearly anyone who takes writing seriously comes to such a point sooner or later. The five steps below outline a suggested map for finding your way out of the dungeon:

• Put your project on pause. You won’t make any progress until you resolve the underlying issues.

• Use freewriting or journaling to explore what’s holding you back. Begin with lists of whatever comes to mind when you ask yourself the question “What is keeping me from writing about (whatever)?”

• Use Dr. James Pennebaker’s method for exploring each item on the list.

• Continue journaling and writing until you find the “story” behind each obstacle. That story should result in a new perspective that sets your mind and heart at ease.

• Seek professional counseling if you can’t get unstuck by yourself within a reasonable time.

You don’t have to be stuck on a writing project to benefit from this process. I intuitively stumbled on it over thirty years ago and have been using it sporadically ever since. What a delight to discover that over 200 scientific studies have validated its power to bring improved physical health along with serenity and happiness.

My friend is exploring her blocks, but she claims she’s making progress. Although her current writing is private, she reports that she’s finding piles of new material to write openly about soon.

By the way, the process above result in a fascinating change of view such as I just experienced when I did some research on the Cliffs of Moher and O’Brien’s castle. I learned that it was built for the entertainment of friends, complete with a marble table, parties and pipers. Who knew? I can see it differently now, and the dread is gone.

Write now: make a secret list of things that may be keeping you from writing important stories from your life. These are the stories that can have the most impact in advancing insight and personal growth, even if you never show them to a single person. Simply making the list and shredding it can be a hugely liberating act.

We Will Never Forget

We’ll never forget, and we’ll never be the same. After nearly a decade, this date that will stand in greater infamy than even Pearl Harbor has acquired even deeper significance for me. I don’t feel alone in this respect. How can I count the ways the world and my life have changed?

More than ever before, war divides the world. It divides Americans who hesitate to discuss the issues across the boundaries that have arisen between Doves and Hawks, right wing and left, conservatives and liberals. It divides the USA from former allies. War has had a serious influence on the decline of the United States economy, and thus also on others around the world. It’s not the only influence, but it may be the greatest.

Fear runs rampant. Fear of everything: the healthcare crisis and cultural meltdown, job security, financial viability in retirement years, depletion of oil reserves, and further terrorist attacks among other things. Fear surely underlies at least part of our rampant culture of greed. Fear is especially visible in airports where it has led to security measure more draconian than even George Orwell might have imagined. In short, life as we used to know it, has ended.

Those are a few of the many dark changes. There are also light ones that receive less attention in the media, those that view the catastrophe and resulting chaos through a lens of love, hope and peace:

Neuroscience discoveries are showing that the wisdom of the ancients has a biological basis. Our minds have amazing powers to heal our bodies and conditions around us. We are learning to harness these forgotten ancient powers in new ways.

A spiritual Renaissance. An ever-growing number of people of all ages are becoming aware that all religions are basically about LOVE, in spite of poisoned minorities that abuse others, impose order through fear, and rely on other tools of darkness. We are certain that the current chaos is merely a reordering of the world that may yet yield the lasting and durable peace mankind has been praying for as long as there has been war. Mankind is in a trial by fire, being shaped into some greater new form.

How are the changes affecting you? Did you know that you already have one of the most powerful tools for preventing much of the physical and emotional harm that comes from the stress and chaos of current conditions? One version, the keyboard on your computer, is right at your fingertips as your read this blog post. One of the discoveries the neuroscientists have made is the value of writing in maintaining and reclaiming health of all sorts. Whether you write by hand or on a keyboard, writing journal entries, personal essays, stories, and other forms of personal thoughts can make you wiser, happier, and more resistant to the ravages of stress.

Have you written in your journal today?

Write now: take a break and enjoy your favorite form of writing. Write about your experience, in any respect with 9/11 and the resulting changes.