Beware of the Elephants

I had a head start on Memorial Day. Four weeks ago my siblings and I gathered with our spouses and most of our offspring to celebrate our father’s 90th birthday. I joked with him that being at the party was a little like attending his own funeral, because he got to hear so many people recount flattering memories of him. He laughingly agreed. It was a little like attending his own funeral in a couple of other odd ways: it took place in an events center in the cemetery, and he wore a black suit – a story we’ll be telling for a couple of generations.

Not surprisingly, the entire weekend was full of stories of long ago. The ones we talked about were the good times, but I’m sure I wasn’t the only one making choices about which ones to bring up. I know we aren’t the only family with a herd of wild elephants living in our midst. There are the things we talk about and the things we let slide. in our case this seems fitting since, due to geographical diversity, we seldom see each other. (Twenty-five people convened from Washington, Oregon, Idaho, California, New Mexico, Texas, Illinois, Georgia, and Pennsylvania.)

On further thought I’ve realized that while it makes sense to stick to the smooth path at gatherings, the things we didn’t talk about contain the most meat and the juiciest story content. While we have plenty of hilariously funny stories, the gripping ones are guarded by the herd of elephants always nearby.

The question is how to go about this. Elephants can be dangerous, even deadly, as my husband and I learned from our guides in Chobe National Park in Botswana. Safari drivers are wary around elephants, keeping a respectful distance, a foot near the gas pedal, and avoiding confrontation whenever possible. Elephants are usually sedate, but you never know what will set one off, and they are a force to be reckoned with. Similar respect for relationship elephants is also well-advised.

Below is a list of suggestions for how to write honestly about the “good stuff” and still be welcome at family gatherings:

• Keep your writing private. This is always a safe strategy. You can always change your mind and share private material, but you can’t retract it once it’s been read.

• Limit distribution. As long as you confine readership to a limited audience such as a trusted writing group, you should be able to safely get the support and feedback you desire. You might also share with trusted family members, but that gets trickier. Things have a way of slipping out unexpectedly.

• Let the main characters read it privately. Sometimes reading a story is a powerful way of opening dialogues that otherwise would not take place, resulting in healed relationships and perhaps support for publishing your story more widely. But there are no guarantees. You’ll have to weigh the risks and make your own decision.

• Wait until the main character dies. You’ll probably outlive your parents, but depending on current ages, you may not want to wait that long. Ditto if your age group is involved.

• Wait until you die. If you are writing strictly for family, and especially if you have dark secrets of your own you’d prefer to to never confront, this may be a good choice. The Bridges of Madison County can shed light on this option, even though it is a novel rather than a memoir. Pay close attention to the reaction of the children Francesca leaves behind.

• Write your story as fiction. This option can free you to say a lot of things you might otherwise keep hidden. But do realize you’ll have to make drastic changes to keep insiders from inferring “the facts” behind your Truth.

• Tell your story to the world and let the chips fall where they may. You may find that it’s not nearly the big deal you thought it was.

Any number of variations are possible on these themes. Write your stories, privately at first, and then let your heart be your guide as you move down the path. Learn what you can from the writing, and then let compassion be your guide.

Write now: Recall some elephants from gatherings you have attended, whether they involve family or others. Write about these elephants, considering various points of view. See what you can learn from your stories, what new meaning may arise.

Photo: Sharon Lippincott

Don’t Get Tripped Up By Details

In life writing and memoir circles, Truth is always one of the hottest topics of discussion. In general, nearly everyone recognized that no two people see things quite the same way. The important thing is to write the story the way you remember it, to be true to your self. If people disagree, so be it. Suggest they write their own story.
Many details in your stories are a matter of personal memory, and there is no way to go back and check, so it’s your word against somebody else’s. There is no way to resolve such disputes, so write what you recall and let it go at that. However, there are a few instances involving verifiable facts where your memory can trip you up.
For example, I recently read a draft of a friend’s memoir. It included several paragraphs about Toastmasters. As it happens, I was an ardent member of Toastmasters for many years. I immediately noticed several discrepancies in the terminology used by my friend, whose involvement was relatively fleeting.
I just finished reading a book that mentioned Elmwood, a noteworthy historic house in Cambridge, Mass. I decided to locate Elmwood on Google Maps, and found it described in Wikipedia. The author stated that it was a nineteenth century residence. As I learned, it was built in 1767, a century earlier.
I mention these  seemingly petty points to show that there are some types of detail that people can check and call you on, and sooner or later somebody probably will. Fortunately these two examples are not the type of detail that will do any damage. For example, referring to Toastmaster evaluations as critiques will simply make it obvious to insiders that you weren’t seriously involved with the program, and in a way that error conveys a truth that’s far from damning. Misrepresenting the age of a building you admired from afar as a child – if that’s what you always understood or thought, hardly a problem.
Neither of these examples involve the sort of details authors would think to check. Other types it could matter more. For example, getting the dates of a ancestor or current relative’s birth or death wrong could set off all sorts of controversies among family genealogists in future years, and could cause friction sooner. Names matter (unless they have been deliberately changed). That’s the sort of thing you can check.
The best way to avoid errors like this in your final story is to check obvious facts yourself (that’s so much easier to do today than it would have been even ten years ago). Then follow my friend’s example and have a few people read final drafts to catch typos, find minor errors spell- and grammar-check overlook, and find flukes like this that you could never notice.
Write now: write about some of the landmarks you grew up noticing, including what you remember about their history. Then check them out to see if you find any surprises. You may be intrigued to learn all sorts of new information about them in the process and perhaps that will influence your story in some way. At least you’ll know your details are accurate. Another option is to pull out some old stories and do a little fact checking on ages, dates and similar details. 
Photo credit: Matt Brown

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Stories

What story does this picture tell? I was intrigued when I noticed it on A Writer’s Right to Keep Writing and followed the trail to bingobongo’s source image. I challenge each viewer to add a comment with a couple of sentences answering that question, and to do it before reading any of the other comments. I guarantee you that no two stories will be quite the same. Themes may emerge, but each story will have a unique twist. This illustrates that no two people see or understand the same way, and pictures require clear verbal communication to ensure that everybody is on the same page.

Now and then when we have a little extra time in a writing group, I pull out my folio of a few hundred pictures I’ve clipped to use as prompts for a freewriting exercise. Some are as simple as a single flower blossom. Others are complex scenes. Many feature people doing things or interacting with other people. The instructions are simple:

“Look through the pictures and select one that calls to you. Take a couple if you wish. Look at the picture for a minute or two, then start writing whatever story comes to mind.”

If we have lots of time, we may write for fifteen or twenty minutes, but more likely it will be five or six. No two people write about the same picture, so no two stories are the same. It wouldn’t matter if everyone wrote about the same picture. (No two stories would be the same.) People are always amazed at the depth and quality of the stories that emerge from this exercise. They tend to be rich in detail and highly personal. They always go home with dozens of new entries on their story idea lists.

Sometimes I use these pictures to start a story myself. They are great for smashing through a crusty case of Writer’s Block and they always result in stories I would not have thought to write on my own. Family photos are also a great source of story prompts.

If you want to start a collection of writing prompt pictures to use on your own or share with a group, assemble a selection of magazines, ideally with a wide variety of content and heavily illustrated. The pictures may be photos or any other art. I trim all the words. Other people leave words and sometimes incorporate them into the stories. I’ve used pictures from travel magazines and brochures, sports , history/culture (i.e. Smithsonian, Nat’l Geographic), home décor, cooking, parenting, news, and general interest magazines. Any size will do – half a page is ideal.

Another approach is to hit the web and search for pictures on sites like Flickr, Picasa, or Webshots. Select a topic and use Google’s Images tab to find pictures about it. Unless you plan to publish the picture, copyright doesn’t matter.

Write now:  just for fun or two overcome writer’s block, find one or more pictures and write about them. Begin a collection to share with a writing group, or invite a group f friends and neighbors to join you for an evening of writing fun.

Picture credit: bongobingo

Stuck!

Sooner or later it happens to nearly everyone. This time it happened to me. I’ve been away, clear across the country away, at a family reunion to belatedly celebrate my father’s 90th birthday. But I’ve been back nearly a week.

Today I have to write a blog post. I’ve been telling myself. Today for sure, I will write a blog post. … I have to get that blog post written before the library group meeting. …  It’s late now. I meant to get something written. First thing in the morning, no matter what!

I stood at the sink, paying unusual attention to shining the sink. What will I write about? Many topics raced through my mind. I could write about description. I want to write about that. I’ll be teaching a class on description and dialogue again soon. What picture will I use?

I could write about that lightning storm that just struck. Storms are metaphors. I could write about metaphors. …  I could write about that book that’s been sitting on the living room table for weeks. …   I could build on that comment somebody out west made about how most people think their life is so plain and ordinary that nobody would care, so nobody writes about ordinary things and fifty years later nobody knows what was ordinary fifty years earlier.

The list of topic ideas seemed endless. I could and probably will eventually write about all those things. I might write about the spiral of guilt. I might write about the need to find that center of love and write from there rather than guilt.

So many options. And still I kept thinking, I’ll write that blog post as soon as I get back from taking that picture to be rematted … As soon as I fold the laundry … As soon as I get the leaves blown out of the front yard before it rains.

Eventually my Inner Critic kicked into high gear. “You are letting your readers down. … You get in there and write right now or else! … blah, blah, blah!” My reaction: “Try and make me!” Of course that didn’t help either.

I’ve gotten a whale of a lot done this week. It just hasn’t been writing. There is still an endless list of non-writing things to do, but my fingers finally found the keyboard again. Sometimes we just need a break. Sometimes it’s okay to feel stuck. I’ve been making that list of things to write about, so now that the tow truck came and pulled me out of the sand, I have a map to keep my wheels on the road.

Write now: write a story about being stuck. Have you been physically stuck in snow and ice? On sand? In mud? Did your car battery die when you needed to be somewhere? Were you unable to solve a math problem once upon a time? Fail to finish your crossword? Or maybe you’ve been unable to think of anything to write about. Write about that!

Image credit: Preston Rhea